The serious reason why I could not sleep for the past few weeks is because it feels like I am lost – you know what I mean by the word “lost”….right?

Hmmm…..

I’ve been counting days, months and years starting from 1998 – not that I have replaced those sheeps…not that I am putting myself to miserable situation of doing arithmetic before going to sleep…..nor getting to sentimental and reminisce what have happened in the past, but I just can’t hardly put away myself from those enless pathetic thoughts!

The sad thing is, as I keep on thinking the same things over and over, it feels like I’ll turn into a nervous breakdown and not to a comfortable good night sleep.

Those things are what I called as lost-thoughts – I’m lost but my mind keeps on thinking and thinking as well as imagining and imagining things over and over – when I realized, those are just “less-thoughts”

I’ve been counting how many years have passed since I was in fifth grade and how miserable/great/sad/happy my life was (and maybe the world) in between those years…

It was 1999 and today is the third quarter of 2009 – imagine, a decade of everything! I was in my fifth grade and this year is just a starting year for me to go to a f**** work, plan for my next job, think of what career should I pursue months or years from now, and then voila!

+I have a favourite TV program in a local channel and plugged that it’s their 10th year anniversary – too bad, it was just a dream for me to be part of that team. tsk tsk! You know the feeling when you have your “childhood dream” and certain that you’ll gonna take up this course so that you could be one of them and be like them, and then life took another turn and then you don’t have a clue why you pathetically landed in a situation to which you are now, isn’t it miserable! I once dreamed but didn’t seem to get into that track – but no regrets, really!

I once dreamed, and will continue dreaming and falling out and being rejected and then what’s next?

+plus, I’m planning to resign
___________

It feels like I’ll die few minutes afer feeling miserable thinking all of these non-sense thoughts…..and to be honest, I am all nothing but lost!

what really caught my intrest to write this entry is to make note of an overwhleming experience i’ve encountered a couple of days passed – during the 30th Manila International Book Fair (MIBF) held at SMX Convention center in Pasay. Just to make it short, i have a list of classic literary and general fictions saved on my computer and in a sheet of paper which i’ve been really dreaming of to have ever since – not to mention that I strongly require myself to have those books the soonest time possible – a sort of collection though.

I assume you know the feeling when you really fall in love with a thing no matter how trvial or meaningful it is. And I did fall in love with books – with J. D. Salinger’s The Catcher in the Rye and Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice just to name a few – these were literally classics in their own right. Moreover, I do not hesitate to give out cash over these classic novels since having them over my shelf is a priceless experience. And in another instance, I accidentally found Erich Segal’s enduring classic  Love Story – a number of decades past since its first publication and I’d never ever think that such novel was as thin as one fourth inch….lastly, I can’t find but reminisce what had happened to me last year on the same event when i do not have the money to buy even a book – how pathetic am I at that time. The story was simple, I came across to ADMU Press’s booth and found this sort of simple with a classic design book with the title: “Stories From Another Time” by Benjamin Bautista. Obviously, I go through with some pages and scanned the Foreword and Introduction and was amazed how literal the title is as it define the stories compiled in that book – simply put, the short stories or narratives embedded on it was told and narrated by people who have lived during the 60s and 70s (literally from another time), or probably they were at their 20s or 30s the time they wrote it – and then at that point, I suddenly thought of the film Batch 81. The book, as I first looked at it seemed classic simply because stories happened in the past and are being narrated as you’re actually reading it at any point in time and then I fell in love with it…

Too bad that I don’t have it until now that I am working and at least be able to purchase whatever books I may think interesting. Passed several months since the 29th MIBF and I accidentally red a book review on Butista’s Stories From Another Time, and couldn’t believe that I have the book after a year – now that I am able to buy novels that I’ve been longing to have.

As of September 20th, I have 4 on my table…

A dream come true that I have those in my possession!

I don’t want to leave my September archive with NOTHING as what had happened last year…at least I have a good reason to write something for this month , just like February 1st where I go home without money but less than P70.00 as my transpo fee to get back home to Cavite.

….maybe, I will always remember September 16, 2009 for the sole reason that I got “recognition” for my very first job – and I never expect such thing to happen – it’s a long story though.

That would definitely be a milestone in my life, 100 days before Christmas, out of nowhere and unexpectedly, people smiled and kept on giving you compliments for the job done. Moreover, amidst all of these “sweet words,” I shouldn’t pressure myself to do more or perform better or up to my very best – just take most of the things as how they should’ve been done, period.

After exiting the room of our trainor, I suddenly thought a little foolish thing: can I have a re-take? Can we do that again?

Oh certainly not! It was just a one-shot, one-experience make or break thing!

I was thinking too much about the assessment until I go to bed, and it took me a long time before I could finally sleep. I was too bothered about the interview that I keep on thinking that I could do much better, I could answer him much better but…..I don’t know! I was eaten maybe either by too much nervousness or by being too relaxed prior to the interview – and I couldn’t handle such thing until we left….

3 July

Friday

While traveling to Quiapo Church 3 weeks ago, we passed by the US Embassy and suddenly think that ‘what if I passed the 2-week work experience in McCann Erickson in UK, is there really a need for an interview with the UK Embassy?’ Well, I partly expect and then it’s nothing to me on the second thought.

All I think at that moment was just it’s like a dream come true for me if ever I will be accepted in their agency. Why? I don’t have any Advertising-related magazines yet and don’t have the money for my trip to UK, and then I feel a little sad about the reality. There was too much expectation while you are aware that reality will not permit that to happen.

While thinking about all those possibilities and impossibilities, I was just looking outside the window of the jeepney where we’re in while feeling too sentimental. Until we passed the Cultural Center of the Philippines, I was trying to erase those thoughts and then rather turned inside the jeepney when out of nowhere, a London sticker in the driver’s area bumped me – it was like a logo, or maybe a British logo representing the country itself. I thought that I was thinking too much of London that is why I suddenly strike with the sticker.

It’s really strange that after an hour or so of traveling, that’s the only time that I was able to notice the London sticker, right where I was thinking of going there some time. And I was just optimistic that it was indeed a sign!

Today???…….

Nothing special….again!

It’s just another usual day of the month, but maybe a little something “extraordinary”….

Going back to my last year’s post and it’s exactly a year now, that I was sentimentally commenting about the last years of my “TEENAGE LIFE” and officially bidding good bye to it…and just a year to count to officially open up another phase of my life, I can’t help but remembering an essay about a girl who nervously and emotionally introduced herself to “twenty-something” years of her life. She was quite well aware that another chapter has to come and should she faced it with courage and a welcoming attitude. Honestly, I never thought that I will be feeling the same thing now as what the writer felt on the last years of her ‘teenage life’. Anyway, I red that wayback in high school and the anthology was published during the 70s, but never ever anticipate a thing as to what I am feeling right now – sad, sad and sad.

My remedy: I just want to ignore the feeling of getting old, period!

Just as hers, I’m kinda scared to bring myself to a 2-0 digit of my life though I anticipate bigger obstcles and headaches this time.

I just hate it!

I just hate the feeling of getting old!

And it is officially 1 year!

My blog turns 1 yesterday and now, I could comfortably (to the slightest degree) call myself a “personal blogger.”

This entry is simply a ‘reminisce’ of the past…..
It’s rainy season once again and I can’t help but thinking over and over when about a year ago (I think), I was doing laundry for my school unifrom and deeply thinking about how exciting it would be to officially land in your ‘dream job’ and proudly called youself a “graduate” after battling in the academe for four years with bitter-sweet encounters.

And I guess, it’s been a year passed since I watched a TV documentary and tremendoudly enthused about the incoming “iskolar ng bayan” from all walks of life, facing initial real-life difficulties during enrolment. And how, in about a time, the university “seemed” to be now inclined with the ‘elite’ and ‘upperclassmen’ of the society roaming around the campus. There was an issue there indeed….

And…..all these things and thoughts happened a year ago and it won’t completeley occur for the second time!

However, a lot of people in the whole wide world are hard-core idealistic, I must say. Because I, myself tend to be a BIG TIME IDEALIST even before entering college until the time I attended this once-in-a-lifetime “Commencement Exercise.” Yes, commencement is definitely the beginning….until the time I stepped up the stage, I still have these ideals that I’ll forever stick to. And recently, I came to reallize will those idealisms of mine will bring me into those dreams that I have longed wishing for?

I should write vaguely, period.

Dictionary defines:

ideal – existing . . . in fancy or imagination only; lacking practicality

idealism – the practice of forming ideals or living under their influence

Indeed, I was living under the influence of wide ideals and it was such a big deal (for me) if I should abide into it or would rather resort to realistic circumstances. It seemed to me that I “MUST” do the latter and erased those ideals to a little degree.

I once dreamed to be a  TV dcumentarist but it seems that I was too far away from it – and now it was some sort of fancy indeed! What I’m presently in is into the reality that I won’t get any offer or an entry-level post as a researcher either. On the other hand, I’m still apt to stick into my high school dreams and will rather prepare myself for a number of failure and rejection that will come along the way.

And I will never ever forget those people whom I have known for some years in college where we started creating our very own dreams and plans right inside the academe. I dreamed once with a good friend of mine that we’ll enrol in the Graduate School of Harvard University…while others, I’ve learned that they wanted to enter the field of Public Relations, Corporate Communications, and Advertising. My blockmates several times they told me that they wanted to pursue an MA in Journalism while the other wanted to be an AM radio jock in her favorite evening program. I’ve known a few who still wanted to pursue their passion in photography to the point of applying for the post while I knew one blockmate who really wanted to be a writer and the other one, a screen writer. I always believed to those people who wanted to be film makers and be famous for their endless unique ideas. I had a close friend in college who planned to work for United Nations right after graduation. I met these people who still have dreams of working in broadcasting networks even if it meant starting at the bottom. I’ve known several people who wished to work abroad hoping that they will find ways for a decent living. And just recently, a graduate of Management Accounting planned to work briefly in a BPO company for the sole pupose of earning and will later enrol in the Conservatory for Music….he simply wants to be a musical scorer for film….

These were the dreams….and it seemed to me that our dreams tend to lie in the realms of our own ideals with only hopes, prayers and continuous dreaming. But where we ended up?

Now, I have something to write on my blog.

I was hardly thinking several days ago of what would be the most comfortable and heartfully-driven topic to write about until I finally realize that all of my realisations for the past days were all seemed “worthy” and quite “sensible.”

I scarcely thought of myself to be landed in a call center job nor seen myself applying for such. Yes, I barely thought about it but never settled myself to grab an offer whenever I find myself rejected from all the applications I have made in advertising and production companis. And up to these days, I can’t help but being a little sentimental everytime I visit my so-called Alma Mater – where dreams started to become an almost-reality and a place where everyone crafted his own worldly idealism.

It’s quite sentimental in some sense that I, myself have battled it out in the academe for four fruitful years and only later did I find myself in a BPO company. I’m not underestimating the job itself or in any ways but I was just being sloppy over this matter! You’ve labored and experience d all these hardships for four years, crafted vision for yourself, built dreams and armored yourself with tons of knowledge and there, you found yourself somewhere in a cubicle answering phone calls and customer concerns (not to mention complaints).

And I must say, there was a BIG hesitation rather than frustration….but as I’d like to think these statemets from someone: WALA NA SILANG PAKIALAM…..HINDI NA NILA BUHAY ‘TO, BUHAY NA NATIN ‘TO!

And I would also like to believe that being a school buddy is quite fun and enjoying than commencing an (unexpected) job where you feel (or maybe think) that you’re too old to be young or too young to be old!